So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
