Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
