my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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