He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
