Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
