i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
