so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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