I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
