Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Sorry my hands just texted you
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
