maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
