We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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