life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
