umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
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