You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
