and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize