Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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