he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
