I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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