if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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