So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
