Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize