it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
