I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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