So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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