I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
