Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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