My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
