Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
