It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Randomize
