Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
