Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
