look no pants
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
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