I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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