Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
