Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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