Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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