my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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