She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
