I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
