Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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