if you like me you must not know who I am
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
