Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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