When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
