your parents love me but you hate me
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Shame is for Republicans.
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