Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
His nipple licking is glorious
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