See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize