Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
