Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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