He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
