I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
