Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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