What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
