I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
