If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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