I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize