God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
