I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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