All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
