What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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